Only a select few have seen much of me in the past month or so. Probably even a select few of that select few had noticed how I hadn't been myself much. The worst part was that I knew something was eating at my soul and I didn't know what it was. It's like I had some odd, angsty need for something but I didn't know what it was either.
For the past few months or so, I had been heavily involved in the post production of two films. One is Possum Walk which is what I'm currently producing. The other is Walking Distance, where I am making all the "Behind the scenes" and DVD extras. I'm a person that tries to accomplish a goal at all costs, even if that means not sleeping or eating. I could deal with that much.
Looking back now I had lost part of myself while working on these films. I'm not bitching. It's quite common in film making and I know it happens. I just forget about it every time. I have lost track of a lot of my friends and they seem like strangers to me now. I haven't been dating or even talking to girls like I had before. It was tricky because I wasn't interested in socializing or flirting, because that had nothing to do with my goals. I'm bad at turning that off.
Since I'm winding down on Walking Distance and about to get back onto Possum Walk, I've actually been able to relax, and I totally forgot what that felt like. It's amazing, and I think I actually feel like me again.
The other thing that has been driving me just a little bit batty, is what I found out was some kind of artistic angst. For the past two years, I have been devoting my efforts to help other friend's movies. I have stories I need to tell. I've been coming up with a series of short films, as well as that big epic feature I've been writing forever. A lot of you have probably heard me talking about the big script. I'm not jumping to it just yet. I need something else first. All of this has been kind of putting me on edge, sometimes with a bottle and a cigarette. I'd like to quote my friend Mallory, who I think has a brilliant writer's mind ("Persephone" project, yo! Let's do it!) "It's not alcohalism, it's the artistic temperament. We can't handle our fire, so we typically kill ourselves. I need more time, to prove something, to change something." I think that very much sums up the way I've been feeling when I feel like I'm about to flip out and start kicking things.
Now that we're in 2010, I'll be starting over to make my own films again. Working on these two films had allowed me to observe how other people work, meet new people and grow, while being involved on what I believe to be two very potential films.
Now, I have 3 or 4 shorts to do in 2010. That will allow me to improve my game, work with more people, and more importantly have a better representation of what I can do on a film, as oppose to my first feature, "The Man in the Garage" or the doc extras for "Walking Distance", or my cinematography for "Possum Walk" (Although I'm extremely proud of all of those projects) It will also give me more to showcase and go to more festivals with. And I really need another festival to rock star at (be a drunken bad ass, make out with actresses, and receive sage advice from movie stars)
Speaking of which, Walking Distance work is winding down. Still have a little bit more time to do a few more videos for the movie. James and Mel have been very complimentary and have been given great feedback on the videos and they look very nice. I actually started to feel somewhat impressed by watching it.
There's one more thing I need to bitch about. I hate birthdays. I do. But everybody else wants to celebrate it. I'm the asshole who usually doesn't tell anybody about a birthday, while I ignore the human race and avoid my friends and family until the day ends. Really, I do owe it to my friends who want to celebrate me going 25 years without dying of alcohol poisoning. I'd love to have all of my Houston, Dallas, and Austin friends (and one girl from Louisiana) all in the same place. That would be hard/impossible to accomplish. I also have no idea what people do for their birthdays. I guess we can go to the pub. I should take the next Monday off. Well we'll see. BTW: Dexter season 2 on blu ray, a black and white checkered board table with stools, dish and glass set, a working car/Nissan Cube (white with automatic transmission and a built in iPod connector). Go for it, friends.
So finally, to sum it all up, I do feel like my self again. I am Robert and I like it (devilish grin)
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